A Collection Of Trump Jokes

President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goes back to sleep.He is woken up a short time later by the ghost of Franklin Roosevelt sitting at the foot of his bed. "Frankie,my boy, what can I do to be a better president?' FDR thinks a moment and says, 'You have to put the peoplefirst.' Once again Trump doesn't like this answer, yells for security, and FDR disappears.Trump is once again awakened by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln at the foot of his bed. "Abe, my boy, how can I be a better president?' Abe thinks for a moment and responds, 'Go to the theater more. There is a new Bond film coming out that stars Donald Trump.It's called “The Spy Who Loved Pee”. “I cannot tell a lie.”>- George Washington “I cannot tell the truth.”- Donald Trump "I cannot tell the difference."Republicans What’s the difference between the president of Ukraine, and the president of the United States? The president of Ukraine is a comedian.The president of the United States is a joke. A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a fake billionaire walk into a bar.The bartender says, "What can I get you Former president Trump?" >When Trump is outed as the Russian spy he is, can we call him Agent Orange? What's Trump's least favorite ice cream flavor? Peach Mint. There is a reason Donald Trump thinks he is the Second Coming: Every time he says something everyone around him says "Jesus Christ..." Trump: "Stop calling me orange. I'm peach." Trump’s impeachment will make Richard Nixon’s impeachment look like Bill Clinton’s impeachment. Jeffrey Epstein and Donald Trump are hanging out together when they spot a 14 year old girl. “I’d like to screw her,” said Epstein. “Out of what?” asked Trump This Halloween, I’m dressing up as Donald Trump by shoving a smoke machine down my pants and carrying a small harp. I’ll be a liar, lyre, pants on fire! A man dies and goes to heaven...When he gets there, he runs into Saint Peter. He also sees a bunch of clocks on the wall.“What are all those clocks for?” the man asked.“Well,” said Saint Peter, “Those clocks move every time someone lies. See that clock over there, that one belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved. “Well what about that one?” asked the man. “That one,belongs to Abraham Lincoln it’s only moved twice.” said Saint Peter.“Where’s Donald Trump’s clock?” asked the man.Saint Peter replied, “It’s in Jesus’s office. He likes to use it as a fan.” President Trump is walking from the White House to his limousine when out of nowhere, an assassin takes aim at him. Vice President Pence quickly shouts "Mickey Mouse! "This catches the assassin off guard and he is then captured.Later, Trump asks Pence, "What on earth made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?">Pence replies "Sorry, I'm stupid and got confused. I meant to shout 'Donald, Duck!'" >President Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a >pig, killing it instantly. Trump tells the driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you?" asked Trump. "Well, the farmer gave me this wine, his wife gave me this cigar, and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me. "My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump. The driver replied, "I'm told them I'm President Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig." Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference by a crazed NRA supporter and die. Up in the sky,they are greeted by Saint Peter who says "You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join >Him in eternal happiness." As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challenge given and goes first. She notices the swamp barely reaches her ankles and thinks "Well, that‘s what you get for lying. At least, I did it for a better Europe. Curious about how the others are doing, she looks behind her and sees Putin covered in mud up to his knees.Furiously, she shouts "This is impossible! Your reign was a dictatorship, you manipulated world politics and economics to your benefit, and you’ve achieved all that only by telling lies. How is it possible you‘re only knee-deep in this swamp? Calmly, Putin answers "Hush! I‘m standing on top of Donald and he hasn't noticed yet." How many Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb? None, its fake news that the light bulb is burned out and they like being in the dark! President Trump meets the Queen of England in her palace.Trump says : “Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to prevent a slow down in economy?" "Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent? The Queen says : "Easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle. The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "David Cameron, would you come in here, please? David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, ma'am?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me, ma'am." "Very good! Thank you, David !" said the Queen. Then she turned to Trump with a smile and said "See?"Now it’s Trump’s turn to apply the same logic.... He went back to the US and asked Mike Pence.. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?""I'm not sure," said Mike . "Let me get back to you on that one..."Mike went to his advisors and asked every one of them, but none could give him an answer.Finally, Pence ran into Obama and asked, "Can you answer this question for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? Obama answered, "That's easy, it's me!" Happy to have the answer, Pence skips his way back to Trump in the Oval Office. "I did some thinking and I have the answer to that riddle. It's.....Obama! Trump shouts "No! You stupid idiot! It's David Cameron!”